SHOWSTOPPER MOVIE REVIEW: Batman Versus Superman

BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN

(This will be the first of my weekly movie reviews, which will feature both current and classic films. The Showstopper reviews will feature ten thoughts summing up my reaction to a movie.)

One of the themes of the Showstopper Lifestyle is that inside every person there is a superhero. I have been a fan of superhero movies my whole life, starting with the original Superman films starring Christopher Reeve all the way to Christopher Nolan’s epic Batman trilogy.

When I heard that that we would finally see a movie featuring these two legendary characters, naturally, I was excited. This excitement faded when I saw the painfully dull trailer, but even that atrocious preview could not prepare me for the this utter disaster.

1) I thought I was walking into a movie, but I realized it was actually a three-hour video game minus the controls. Was there a single actual human character or real world location in the movie? If I had a game controller I would blow myself up to avoid this torture.

2) Not sure if I was asleep, but I did not see Batman in the movie. I just saw some steroid-freak black robot that looked like an extra from Transformers.

3) WORST CASTING EVER: Jesse Eisenberg, excellent in Social Network, but inexcusably, as Lex Loser he gives the exact same performance he did as Mark Zuckerberg! I half-expected Luthor to start lecturing Bruce Wayne about Facebook‘s quarterly statement.

4) Wonder Woman- She was sexy, but I wonder what the hell that woman was doing in this movie? Her character had no purpose other than to expand the shared universe. I was sure to click the unshare button before the trainwreck ended.

5) Remember when Clark Kent and Superman acted totally differently, and you could believe his secret alter ego? Why does Kent even bother wearing the costume when he behaves exactly the same out of it? At least, the opposite can be said about Batman, whose suit looks like it is inhabited by the abominable snowman.

6) Remember when there was a magical chemistry between Superman and Lois Lane? I think I have more chemistry with my neighbor’s dog I see once a month than Amy Adams and Henry Cavill do in these recent movies. The sweet Adams is also painfully miscast as Lois, who is supposed to be a strong-willed, sassy character.

7) What the hell was that goofy looking blob of a monster at the end? It ooked like the villain at the end of any random level of the original Nintendo Contra.

8) I hated Man of Steel, but the highlight of the movie was Kevin Costner’s performance as Jonathan Kent so it was great to see him back here. I slept through half of the last Superman so did the uncle die or not? Costner probably asked to be killed off in real life when he saw this script.

9) I actually thought Ben Affleck was good as the brooding Bruce Wayne, which was tough to do considering the goofy lines he was given would even embarrass Ron Jeremy.

10) Either I wasn’t paying attention or just didn’t care, but why was Wayne mad at Superman and what were they fighting about? Who cares?

This is a movie that should have been everyone’s dream come true, but instead it felt like an endless nightmare being trapped in the theater through this hodge-podge of bad video game cliches. I wish the producers would give us the option video game creators give us…to press the power off or reset button.

As I always say, every person has a superhero inside so I would suggest you fly out of the whatever room is displaying this wretched depiction of two of pop culture’s most iconic characters.

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